Free puppy and kitty pickup on boxing day!

Nothing says Christmas like an adorable little puppy or kitten under the Christmas tree.  It's ever so cute when it's playing in the wrapping and bows!  Oh, wait...Bad dog, don't pee there!  Oh no, he just chewed up your Zhu Zhu!  What a mistake!  That's what this service is all about!  Just call up our little Kringle-mobile and we'll pick up your impulsive puppy or kitten mistakes!  Don't worry, you're kids will have so many new toys they won't even miss it!  No need to rehome, no need to find a farm for them to live out on.  We promise to give them a life filled with surprises!  References available from M. Vick upon request.

3 Easy Payments

The one bear is you and the other bear can be whomever you want it to be! Brad, George, Fabio, that guy who comes into the Hardee's at the truck stop sometimes. What's $99 divided by 3? Who knows, but it's a small price to pay for eternal happiness in bear form. Franklin Mint will do that for you because they understand you. They know that these bears are your sweet lady H. You would lie, cheat, steal, even kill to get them. That bridal bouquet comes with interchangeable ribbons too, so...no brainer.

Naughty Nicholas

 Nicholas got all dressed up in his Christmas best and what to his wondering eyes did appear? Why  a lump of coal in his stocking, as it did every year. The embroidory on his stocking reads the name "mistake" and mommy and daddy are upstairs strung out and tanked. Nicholas dreams of gingerbread houses and holiday cheer but all to be found are stolen checks and empty cans of beer. And on this lovely Christmas morn, the 16 year old parents rue the day he was born. Oh but Nicholas will laugh last when he's older, successful and no longer around and he comes back at christmas and burns this place to the ground. Passed out from drugs, his parents will burn alive and in his new car, away Nicholas will drive. He's read all the books, he's covered his tracks, the cops will rule it an accident and Nicholas will never look back.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Dream come true time

How do you spell true love? F-a-u-x S-a-p-p-h-i-r-e H-a-r-l-e-y D-a-v-i-d-s-o-n R-i-n-g. Your refined taste and thirst for sheer elegance has lead you to this princess cut beauty; It's sure to have her in tears and proclaiming "yes, yes, YES, I'll marry you!" when your proposal question appears on the jumbo-tron at the monster truck rally. Think of how proud she'll be showing off her ring to her friends an co-workers at the Walgreen's Pharmacy and Photolab.

Something to do on a Friday night...

Looking for something to do on a Friday night?  Why don't you get in your Escort and drive down to the local tavern.  Ask them to fill this baby up with Heavy and you've got an instant conversation piece!  Ask them to fill it up again and all of a sudden the men in the bar have a new respect for you!  Fill it up again and the ladies are instantly dazzled by the shined pewter top.  Fill it up one more time and look, you actually have friends!  One more time and miraculously you are more attractive!  You're on a roll...fill it up again and your troubles will fly away!  It's a miracle tankard!  By the end of the evening, you'll have a girlfriend, ripped abs, a great job, health insurance and a fancy schmancy DUI...which is all the rage in Hollywood.  Have fun!

Jesus

Bruce: You've been working hard
Jesus: I don't know about this...
Bruce: There there, don't be shy. No one has to find out.
Jesus: But my father-
Bruce: What your father doesn't know won't hurt him.
Jesus: But he's everywhere
Bruce: I don't see him here, do you? It's just you, me, this steamy bath and those achy muscles.
Jesus: *look of apprehension*
Bruce: Shhhhh...let ol' Brucey take care of you

If you claim to be a scrabble efficianato, you'd better have this gem set up next to a roaring fire or you're going to look like a real sucker when your friends come over for the big Scrabble/Matlock night this Friday.

For a measley $595 this treasure can be yours, no more of that bullshit with the stupid bag that holds the letters, no sir. That regular Scrabble board is ridiculous, let's face it, it's time to grow up and put your money into something worthwhile and this is it.

OH! My letters spell "unnecessary"; triple word score!

Pearl Necklace

According to the Franklin Mint, these faux pearls were made from a mold taken of Jackie O's actual pearl necklace given to her by one time assassinee, John F. Kennedy. He loved giving pearl necklaces to all the ladies back in the day.

 Look at  Jackie O laying down and dreamily looking off wishing she were somewhere else, just like she was when JFK gave her her first pearl necklace.

You'll be a hit on the grassy knoll with this beauty, which will go perfectly with your Bernese Mountain Dog sweatshirt I'm sure you'll be wearing.

There are no foreclosures in Monopoly!

As you sit in your home, the eviction notice on your door and surrounded by late bills and foreclosure notices…what better way to escape from reality but by being a real estate mogul in Monopoly?  Boardwalk will never be foreclosed on and the shiny toy car playing piece will distract you from the cockroaches crawling over your feet.  Just imagine yourself moving into one of the little green houses lined up in a row rather than your inevitable future of living in the YMCA (little green cots lined up in a row don’t have the same nostalgic appeal).  Thankfully, Franklin Mint created just the outlet for the downtrodden.  This classic Monopoly set sells for $450 and you can list it as an asset when you get kicked out and your personal belongings get confiscated by the bank. 

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Little Rascal

Up at 1am on a 3 day meth bender, reading Ramona the Pest aloud to a dog. What kid hasn't been there?

Living vicariously

Baah-dump-bah-dum...bbaaAHHHH DUmp-ba-Duuuuum!
That's the song that will never be playing while you never walk down the isle. At least you've got this sassy little delight in your dream gown on display for all to see. She'll sit quietly and watch your stories with you and won't judge you for eating that jar of mayo with a spoon either.

Four, please

One of the biggest issues for me in my life used to be that I couldn't seem to find a place where I could pay $25 each for $1 coins that don't hold any monetary value.
Some call this a scam, I call it a smart investment. Franklin Mint has a disclaimer stating that their collectibles aren't guaranteed to increase in value but...come on, don't be coy, FM. These babies are as good as gold, pun intended.
But seriously, if you're willing to waste your money on these fucking things, I've got some magic beans for sale you can buy.

Back to school special!

You know how to impress your classmates in the cafeteria?  How about when you take our your peanut butter and jelly sandwich from your lunch pail, you also take out this baby!?  All your classmates will KNOW you are the coolest kid around and not to mess with you and your wizard dragon dishware.  The quarterback of your football team?  He's soooo jealous!  That cheerleader you've been wanting to ask to prom?  She's going to ask you!  Everyone knows there is nothing cooler than a PB&J on awesome dishware.  Right?

A new arrival...

Little Girl: Diana, Princess of Wales, will you please deliver this message to God?
DPoW: Why, yes sweet thing.  What does it say?
Little Girl: Why are the flowers so large in this garden? 
DPoW: Oh, honey..I can answer that one for you!  You're dead!  In heaven, flowers are the size of small dogs!  Watch out for the horse-sized ants though, they're not as nice as you'd expect them to be in heaven! 
Little Girl: What!?  But what about my parents?
DPoW: Sorry sweetness, but they sold you to a crack riddled prostitution ring and you overdosed on heroin at the tender age of 6.  Have a good day! 

Knock, Knock....

Honey, your date is here to pick you up!  I know what you're thinking...you've finally bagged a good man!  We're sorry to inform you that this fine young fellow standing in your living room is not your future husband, but actually a statute of Rhett Butler.  His realism is unparalleled so it was an honest mistake.  Your parents were probably already shaking his hand and congratulating him on finally getting their 40 year old baby girl out of their house. Do not fret though, this statue is probably better than a real boyfriend!  You can discuss your love of reading/watching Gone with the Wind and he'll of course be equally as captivated as you read him out loud from the Lone Star Surrender by Carol Finch.  Enjoy your new "better than a boyfriend"!

King me

You're probably thinking to yourself "Wow, the Franklin Mint offers the real Elvis? I thought he was living in Poughkeepsie running a drycleaner/ Thai joint under the monkier Bradley Tickles. How can this be?" well that was our first thought too because this statue -yes statue if you can believe that- has been so masterfully sculpted to the King's likeness that the two are indistinguishable. And it definitely doesn't look more like Jerry Lewis. At all. Look at him with his little teddy bear and his ass-tight pants.

Elvis's arm-chair inspiration

 

Its not just you, even the King had trouble writing songs.  He might have been A Big Hunk O' Love but sometimes writing songs made him All Shook Up.  Elvis would have told you "Don't be cruel" because sometimes writing something great is just Too Much.  One Night you'll find your hit.  You just need to be a Hard Headed Woman and stick in there!  Don't Surrender! 

Just The Two Of Us

We alllll know this old classic tale with a moral of the story ending: "The noble chief knew he shouldn't have looked at the gorgeous man with the flowing beard and dead wolf friend, for he knew that he couldn't take his eyes off of him no matter what. One day while admiring how his beard danced in the cool breeze, the chief was struck in the back with a home-made spear, killing him. The chief had always bragged about his extravagent headdress and it finally caught up to him." So we ask you, what household could resist reliving this story day in and day out via dishware?

Trusted Companion

Well here we are again with these dogs in "Trusted Companion". The only thing you can here trust is that the placement of these dogs is no coincidence...you'll notice which color dog Franklin Mint chose to display in the foreground of the plate and it makes our stomachs turn. This second depiction of racial politics by FM is frightening to say the least. You can see the reflection of the burning cross in the white dog's eyes if you look really closesly and the air of contentment on his face is bone chilling.

Double Trouble

The Franklin Mint designers are innovative, that goes without saying. They have really outdone themselves this time though. This is a picture of two little Hummels just traipsing through a field...aka a collectible plate with a picture of other collectibles on it. That is the same thing is having a corndog that is simultaneously pizza. If you know someone who loves Murder She Wrote and has an affinity for never, ever even thinking about holding hands with a gentleman caller, let alone having any social interaction with one; this is the perfect gift for her. Maybe she works the counter at your local gas station or dollar store. This will knock her fucking socks off.

News alert: Unicorns exist!

 

Big foot is a lie, loch ness is a tourist trap, and a Republican who wants universal health care is a mythical creature. Unicorns, on the other hand...truth!  Franklin Mint spent a significant portion of their profits in 2006 and sent several of it's employees on a unicorn expedition.  Look at this proof!  Only from watching unicorns in their natural enriroment could you get the emotion and unicorn accuracy as displayed on realistic figuine.  When asked about the expedition, one FM employee remarked "The unicorns were not even close to being like in The Last Unicorn....they were pink and blue and reared up around these strange orbs.  We just did our best to capture them at the best of our abilities." The world is ever thankful for the hard work and dedication of the FM employees despite them staying mum on the whereabouts of the unicorns they discovered. 

You're so wampum, you don't even know it

Another fine depiction of the old west by Franklin Mint. This tanorexic old kook is so messed up on peyote that he doesn't even realize that someone has french braided his hair while he was passed out from fire water. In a bold move, FM has chosen to display his groddy  three fingered hand over the peace pipe...well HE thinks it's a peace pipe anyway, it's really a gag pipe stuffed with spring loaded snakes which will pop out when he lights it. They really knew how to pull a prank back then.

No clue

Franklin Mint really lost me with this one, I have no idea what is supposed to be going on here. There is some baby, a couple of ferries bouncing around, a donkey, some bitch wearing pink pj's with a Snuggie that she has on the wrong way, and a monster with a big hat who looks like he's going to try and eat the baby. Good thing that guy on the left is brandishing some sort of weapon.

The Littlest Bullfighter

Spanish people are different than us and they believe that when you kill a bull with a sword while dressed in chartruce, you are granted three wishes. This adorable little statue portrays this tiny homosexual matador toying with this baby bull before he slaughters it in front of a roaring crowd. Ole`!

By the light of the moon

This horrid thing is in your attic, waiting for you to go to sleep. She'll then creep down your stairs in an upside down crab walk like Regan MacNeil in the Exorcist. Once she reaches your room she'll crawl on top of you, look you in the face with those lifeless eyes and strangle the life out of you while a creepy chorus of little british kids singing starts to play...either that or she'll blow you.

One potato, two potato...

This timely little pewter piece reminds of us the day that our incarcerated citizens actually did hard work.  They sat and peeled potatos for hours, giving them plenty of potato peeling skills in the case that they didn't have a life sentence.  This is of course as opposed to today, when prisoners watch Maury on their flat screen televisions and flit around with match.com.  Franklin Mint wants us to remember the good ol' days.  The days depicted in Shawshank Redemption when a day of hard work was rewarded with a beer, or possibly a nice ass pounding by one of your prison-friends. 

Sassy Samurai

"Hey how come the Franklin Mint doesn't make a little Samurai version of Joe Pesci?" Read a book cause they do. Last year Franklin Mint answered the cries of the many and issued this little Japanese Samurai fellow, I mean ferrow.  His sassy pink ribbons and polka dot pants are sure to delight his foes as he thwarts them with flawless dance techniques, like the one seen here. Kick out that leg, you little shit.

pLEEse

If you're like me, you're still miffed about the outcome of the Civil War and own a myriad of Confederate items such as belt buckles, bumper stickers and sleevless shirts. The only thing missing from your collection is a knife commemorating the 200th birthday of Confederate dreamboat, Robert E. Lee. You can use this to whittle sticks or to cut lengths of rope. Personally I'd recommend keeping it locked up until the race war.

Morrie

This mischievious little scamp would love nothing more than to hang on the wall of your double-wide and listen to you dish with your invalid mother about the latest steamy romance novel you're listening to on tape.

Funeral Bells

We see here in "Sand In Her Shoe" the haunting last moments of this little girl's life captured forever on porcelain with 16k gold edge work.  Sophia has gotten sand in her sandal causing her to slip and break her ankle. Back in the olden days, they had to put the lame ones down because what good is she in the coal mines now? You can see her father behind her with his hands on his hips shaking his head in disappointment. Way to shame the family, Sophia.

Dragon Inferno

Dragon Inferno is no joke. The name alone lets you know you made the right choice with your $200.
It doubles as both a life-like dragon adornment for the top of your entertainment center as well as a crystal ball, just like any valid piece of fantasy art should. Look at that wingspan.

Basic Instinct

The Franklin Mint loves Princess Di and we love Princess Di related FM memorabilia. Here we see the Princess ready to reenact that famous scene from Basic Instinct in which Sharon Stone showed her goods to the world. This slutty doll can't believe how much wine she just had, almost the whole box.

No one wants to be your friend

This doll is a step away from the glitzy and glamorous iconic dolls typically produced by the Franklin Mint. She is your typical midwestern type who is well on her way to a life of  heart problems and social ridicule because her fat parents feed her nothing but sugar and fast food. She has shitty hair and it looks like the girl from the "Daydream" plate helped her put on her make-up. FM really nailed it with that ill-fitting frock they threw on her as well.

While she's pure...

This wee little one puts the ornate in oriental! This doll baby has a long life of laying supine ahead of her, but for now, she's as clean as a Koi pond. She comes with a complimentary pillow for her comfort as she lays listlessly while her flower is ravaged away from her. She would be a perfect gift for a friend who is still trying to save up for that long weekend in Bankok.

Spellbinder...more like kidbinder

If you are someone who enjoys pedophilia related knick-knacks, this is the plate for you. Here we see an old pedo dressed up as a wizard and he's gotten these little elves drunk on Zima in the forest. Even the rabbits are trying to sneak a peek up that little elf in the front's petticoat. Horrifying.

Daydream

This heart wrenching plate entitled "Daydream" depicts a blind girl who dreams of one day being blessed with the gift of sight. Her parents are ashamed of her and try to hide the fact that she's blind, but this poor girl gives it away every time when her parents have company and she can't even figure out which way to face while brushing her hair.

Grandpa's Gift

This plate is about as real as it gets. It depicts a grandfather painstakingly preparing a coffin for his eldest son's youngest child who is downstairs suffering from a fatal case of amebic dysentery. When this plate hit the catalogs, I promise you that there was not a dry eye in the whole world.

Kouple of Kanine Kompanions

Franklin Mint shows their true colors in this shocking work of social commentary entitled "Canine Companions". One of the most controversial of their works, this brutally racial plate depicts two golden retrievers berating a black lab with racial slurs on what is clearly a southern plantation. Look at the hate in their eyes...you've only ever seen eyes like that beneath a white hood.

Wow...

...look at this fuckin thing.

This is the only reason this would happen...

Once upon a time, there was a fairy nymph who after realizing she forgot to return her video (My Fairy Lady), threw on her dragon skin boots and jumped on her snake motorcycle to get to Hollywood video before it closed. She made it just in time, no late fees! The end.

Sieg Smile!

If you're like most people, you've been constantly plagued by the best way to show your love of the Nazi party as well as the 3 Stooges. Say goodbye to those sleepless nights and hello to your wildest dreams coming true! This lighthearted look at genocide is a perfect addition to any comedy lover's mantle.

knife play

If you're a real knife buff, this is a must have. This bejewled beauty depicts a dragon playfully chasing it's tail in mid air. Show up to a knife fight with this little number and it's lights out, Johnny! Just try not to get blood on your commemorative "first flight" watch; that's the real trick.

Watch out!

This beautifully crafted American Indian plate is a real one of a kind item. Apparently a part of a failed Franklin Mint 3-D art collection experiment, that spear is ready to take your eye out if you're not careful!...just kidding, it's all an illusion created by the master painters at FM. They had to stop production on this because no one could stomach the raw emotion portrayed by the wind whipping through that horses mane.

The Wizard, the Dragon and JTT

Well as the classic story goes, this wizard made the wrong move when swiped all of the Johnathan Taylor Thomas issues of TigerBeat Magazine from this Dragon's lair and flaunted them from his tower. As you can see, the dragon was terribly upset and burned the surrounding village to the ground by the light of the crescent moon. In all honesty, who can blame him? That fire is as hot as a JTT poster for your locker. Double hot.

Other ideas may follow...

You know you're tempted to buy this glorious dolphin plate to proudly put on your mantle. Of course, if you don't, you're welcome to take this idea and tattoo it on your ankle. Either would equally show your dedication to marine life and your love of the environment.

Cats hate water

We all know it's true. Cats hate water. You know what that means...this cat is totally going to pounce on you because you freaking surrounded him by water! He hates that and he hates you! You should have known better...

Marilyn Monroe Baby...pre suppository overdose

This precious darling will not only steal your heart, but she'll also bang your brother in a feeble attempt to make you jealous after fucking up your birthday by showing up to sing wasted.

Fishies, watch out!

Oh, no! These fishies are being eyed by some of the fiercest and most conniving animals in the world....kittens! I think I'm going to cry...I don't even want to watch!

The Crucifixion

If you don't have this stunning depiction of Don Johnson as Jesus Christ on your wall already, you're not a legit Christian and you will burn in Hell.

Testing the Waters

This one is called "Testing the waters". The waters of awesome have certainly been tested here and the results are positive!