Something to do on a Friday night...

Looking for something to do on a Friday night?  Why don't you get in your Escort and drive down to the local tavern.  Ask them to fill this baby up with Heavy and you've got an instant conversation piece!  Ask them to fill it up again and all of a sudden the men in the bar have a new respect for you!  Fill it up again and the ladies are instantly dazzled by the shined pewter top.  Fill it up one more time and look, you actually have friends!  One more time and miraculously you are more attractive!  You're on a roll...fill it up again and your troubles will fly away!  It's a miracle tankard!  By the end of the evening, you'll have a girlfriend, ripped abs, a great job, health insurance and a fancy schmancy DUI...which is all the rage in Hollywood.  Have fun!

Jesus

Bruce: You've been working hard
Jesus: I don't know about this...
Bruce: There there, don't be shy. No one has to find out.
Jesus: But my father-
Bruce: What your father doesn't know won't hurt him.
Jesus: But he's everywhere
Bruce: I don't see him here, do you? It's just you, me, this steamy bath and those achy muscles.
Jesus: *look of apprehension*
Bruce: Shhhhh...let ol' Brucey take care of you

If you claim to be a scrabble efficianato, you'd better have this gem set up next to a roaring fire or you're going to look like a real sucker when your friends come over for the big Scrabble/Matlock night this Friday.

For a measley $595 this treasure can be yours, no more of that bullshit with the stupid bag that holds the letters, no sir. That regular Scrabble board is ridiculous, let's face it, it's time to grow up and put your money into something worthwhile and this is it.

OH! My letters spell "unnecessary"; triple word score!

Pearl Necklace

According to the Franklin Mint, these faux pearls were made from a mold taken of Jackie O's actual pearl necklace given to her by one time assassinee, John F. Kennedy. He loved giving pearl necklaces to all the ladies back in the day.

 Look at  Jackie O laying down and dreamily looking off wishing she were somewhere else, just like she was when JFK gave her her first pearl necklace.

You'll be a hit on the grassy knoll with this beauty, which will go perfectly with your Bernese Mountain Dog sweatshirt I'm sure you'll be wearing.

There are no foreclosures in Monopoly!

As you sit in your home, the eviction notice on your door and surrounded by late bills and foreclosure notices…what better way to escape from reality but by being a real estate mogul in Monopoly?  Boardwalk will never be foreclosed on and the shiny toy car playing piece will distract you from the cockroaches crawling over your feet.  Just imagine yourself moving into one of the little green houses lined up in a row rather than your inevitable future of living in the YMCA (little green cots lined up in a row don’t have the same nostalgic appeal).  Thankfully, Franklin Mint created just the outlet for the downtrodden.  This classic Monopoly set sells for $450 and you can list it as an asset when you get kicked out and your personal belongings get confiscated by the bank. 

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Little Rascal

Up at 1am on a 3 day meth bender, reading Ramona the Pest aloud to a dog. What kid hasn't been there?

Living vicariously

Baah-dump-bah-dum...bbaaAHHHH DUmp-ba-Duuuuum!
That's the song that will never be playing while you never walk down the isle. At least you've got this sassy little delight in your dream gown on display for all to see. She'll sit quietly and watch your stories with you and won't judge you for eating that jar of mayo with a spoon either.

Four, please

One of the biggest issues for me in my life used to be that I couldn't seem to find a place where I could pay $25 each for $1 coins that don't hold any monetary value.
Some call this a scam, I call it a smart investment. Franklin Mint has a disclaimer stating that their collectibles aren't guaranteed to increase in value but...come on, don't be coy, FM. These babies are as good as gold, pun intended.
But seriously, if you're willing to waste your money on these fucking things, I've got some magic beans for sale you can buy.

Back to school special!

You know how to impress your classmates in the cafeteria?  How about when you take our your peanut butter and jelly sandwich from your lunch pail, you also take out this baby!?  All your classmates will KNOW you are the coolest kid around and not to mess with you and your wizard dragon dishware.  The quarterback of your football team?  He's soooo jealous!  That cheerleader you've been wanting to ask to prom?  She's going to ask you!  Everyone knows there is nothing cooler than a PB&J on awesome dishware.  Right?

A new arrival...

Little Girl: Diana, Princess of Wales, will you please deliver this message to God?
DPoW: Why, yes sweet thing.  What does it say?
Little Girl: Why are the flowers so large in this garden? 
DPoW: Oh, honey..I can answer that one for you!  You're dead!  In heaven, flowers are the size of small dogs!  Watch out for the horse-sized ants though, they're not as nice as you'd expect them to be in heaven! 
Little Girl: What!?  But what about my parents?
DPoW: Sorry sweetness, but they sold you to a crack riddled prostitution ring and you overdosed on heroin at the tender age of 6.  Have a good day! 

Knock, Knock....

Honey, your date is here to pick you up!  I know what you're thinking...you've finally bagged a good man!  We're sorry to inform you that this fine young fellow standing in your living room is not your future husband, but actually a statute of Rhett Butler.  His realism is unparalleled so it was an honest mistake.  Your parents were probably already shaking his hand and congratulating him on finally getting their 40 year old baby girl out of their house. Do not fret though, this statue is probably better than a real boyfriend!  You can discuss your love of reading/watching Gone with the Wind and he'll of course be equally as captivated as you read him out loud from the Lone Star Surrender by Carol Finch.  Enjoy your new "better than a boyfriend"!

King me

You're probably thinking to yourself "Wow, the Franklin Mint offers the real Elvis? I thought he was living in Poughkeepsie running a drycleaner/ Thai joint under the monkier Bradley Tickles. How can this be?" well that was our first thought too because this statue -yes statue if you can believe that- has been so masterfully sculpted to the King's likeness that the two are indistinguishable. And it definitely doesn't look more like Jerry Lewis. At all. Look at him with his little teddy bear and his ass-tight pants.

Elvis's arm-chair inspiration

 

Its not just you, even the King had trouble writing songs.  He might have been A Big Hunk O' Love but sometimes writing songs made him All Shook Up.  Elvis would have told you "Don't be cruel" because sometimes writing something great is just Too Much.  One Night you'll find your hit.  You just need to be a Hard Headed Woman and stick in there!  Don't Surrender! 

Just The Two Of Us

We alllll know this old classic tale with a moral of the story ending: "The noble chief knew he shouldn't have looked at the gorgeous man with the flowing beard and dead wolf friend, for he knew that he couldn't take his eyes off of him no matter what. One day while admiring how his beard danced in the cool breeze, the chief was struck in the back with a home-made spear, killing him. The chief had always bragged about his extravagent headdress and it finally caught up to him." So we ask you, what household could resist reliving this story day in and day out via dishware?

Trusted Companion

Well here we are again with these dogs in "Trusted Companion". The only thing you can here trust is that the placement of these dogs is no coincidence...you'll notice which color dog Franklin Mint chose to display in the foreground of the plate and it makes our stomachs turn. This second depiction of racial politics by FM is frightening to say the least. You can see the reflection of the burning cross in the white dog's eyes if you look really closesly and the air of contentment on his face is bone chilling.