A Birthday Dream

You couldn’t sleep last night and who could blame you? You’ve been asking and asking and asking for this carousel horse for months now; that crisp five dollar bill you got in a card from Grandma for your Birthday is making that dream come true at last. You just laid there awake all night imagining what it would be like if she were real. You’d name her Majesty and feed her sugar cubes while you brushed her mane. You’d be able to hop on her back and gallop away from the troubles of the day. In this world you’ve created, a 45 year old woman topping out at 350 pounds of broken dreams, and dressed in a shitty-looking pair of overalls would be the perfect companion for Majesty; just bouncing to and fro as the poor horse prayed that maybe, just maybe, you’d feed it the barrel of a shotgun for dinner one day.
You’ll settle for the statue though. Well it’s not really settling if even in your fantasy world you know that your mere existence is enough to repulse your fantasy companion to the point of praying for death. Enjoy your statue, you little rapscallion, enjoy these little moments.

Two steps forward and four steps back

Welp, looks like Honest Abe is probably rolling in his grave this holiday season. You can buy a black person from Franklin Mint now. Only $195 too, that’s not even as much as the Deluxe Monopoly game costs. As per usual Franklin Mint is above the law and drunk with power, but this is a little far, even for the War Mongers at FM.

Move over Kaplan study guides, The Franklin Mint is here!

Sometimes when you're watching Glenn Beck, do you wish you'd paid more attention in History Class?  Franklin Mint (unaffiliated with Glenn Beck University) understands and has just the thing for you! 

Did you know that the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor in 1941?  Well, there is a coin for that. Did you know that President Roosevelt died in 1945 and was succeeded by Harry Truman?  There is a coin for that. 

The entire US History is chronicled in this 200 year-by-year silver coin set.  Available for only $7,013, how can you put a price on education?

Need the perfect boob job gift?

What do you get that friend who just sank her retirement on a pair of knockers?  A card?  A teddy bear?  Franklin Mint cares about their customers and has the perfect gift!  Get her this commemorative special edition plate, entitled "Big Enough?"  Your friend will laugh her stitches off!  Not only will she love this plate, but it is useful also!  It's the perfect receptive for eating lettuce with no dressing or saltine crackers.  As soon as her "investments" heal, your friend will be out on the streets meeting the kind of guy who will appreciate her new figure, possibly with a handful of dollar bills.   If she invites him over, he'll be impressed with the fine detail and the gold plated edging.  He'll know she's a classy marriage-material lady right away!   In other words, this is the perfect gift! 

You CAN buy class

Got an extra $2,995 laying around? Should you pay off those credit cards, put it toward the principal on your mortgage, pay off that student loan? OR maybe just pick up this little eagle statue. This little show-stopper is sure to impress with it's wings and little feet. This sculptor with a Spanish name made it, so you know it's good. In the most controversial move since the genocide in Bosnia, Franklin Mint has limited this piece to a run of only 500 pieces. Catch this little treasure before he flies away forever, and his little eagle cry is but a mere shadow of what could've been.

Best.Gift.Ever.

Oh, Aunt Eileen!  Thank you so much for this wonderful plate!  I know I only registered at Restoration Hardware and Crate and Barrel, but you know, this means so much more to me than the matching fair-trade table linens than I'd asked for.  This plate will obviously be placed right on my mantle next to my contemporary black and white framed photos, antique vases and home accents.  I'm sure the plate will "pop" and really be a centerpiece to the room.
I'm astounded that you were able to find something that spoke so truly to our fashion senses.  I had a double-take when I saw the teddy bear bride's dress.  It was exactly like mine!  Except that mine was a mermaid style  scoop neck dress that I'd bought at Klinefelds in New York.  Oh and the the teddy bear children are so much like the household that we live in now, except those teddy-children are really more like a cat and a few plants around the house.  Same thing!  You must have had this plate custom made for us!
By the way, I'm so glad that you had this inscribed with our last names in gold-plate, although I'd like to mention that we've both decided to hyphenate our names, but hey...it's the thought that counts!
Best gift ever!  You know me so well!

XOXO,
Your niece, Samantha Beddingfield-Jones

The Marilyn Work-Week!

Franklin Mint has come out with a cure for the workday blues!  This new set entitled "Marilyn's 9 2 5" is the perfect way to brighten your otherwise miserable day.  Take each Marilyn and don't just put her at the edge of your gray desk but use her as your inspiration to get through the day! 
Monday Maryilyn is a girls best friend!  Why not start off the work week being glamourous!  Treat yourself to something hot and pink today, and we don't mean that guy from the mailroom (you'll just feel cheap) again. 
Tuesday Marilyn is dressed to impress!  Take a hint from TM and wear your biggest and fanciest dress to work.  They won't know what to think of you at the water cooler!
Wednesday Marilyn is what every president dreams of at night.  Lift up your skirt as you sway down the cubicle aisle!  You'll know it works if people are lining up for HR because of you.  It's not called trashy, it's called flashy! 
Thursday Marilyn makes you wish the week were longer!  Poof up your hair and dance a little ditty around the office.  Take up your smoking breaks to sashay across the breakroom.  You'll be amazed at how Marilyn you feel as you dance with the decaf coffee pot. 
Friday Marilyn helps you go out with a bang.  Show off some leg, but keep it conservative, ladies!  Today's theme should be the bigger the hat, the less you want to kill yourself at the end of the day!  Height matters! 
It's weekend already?  Don't fret, Monday will be here again as soon as you know it!  Pack up your Marilyns, bring them home and let them inspire you as you watch TLC at home with your cat.  Marilyns are always inspirational and Franklin Mint wishes you luck!

The Gift That Keeps On Giving

If you've received this commerative Tweety and Friends Birthday plate as a gift, maybe it's time to take a look at yourself and ask "How did it come to this?  Where did I go wrong?". Someone who knows you quite well saw this plate and knew that you'd die without it.Your first mistake was that wooden cutout in your front yard where it looks like a fat lady is bending over and you can see her polka dotted bloomers. Mistake number two was the time you showed up to that black tie New Years Eve fundraiser wearing a Planet Hollywood jacket over top of your black turtleneck tucked into black dungarees; you set the whole outfit off with that kitten broach...you looked like a hundred bucks that night.
Events have been set in motion that cannot be stopped, you're equally delighted by both Taz eating the cake as you are by the granny blowing that noise maker thing through Daffy's brain. There is no use in fighting it; put this beauty up next to your Baby Marilyn doll, strap on your favorite Branson Missouri fanny pack, crank up that terrible "Celebrate Good Times" song that you love so much, and enjoy your birthday!

a year ago...we were all so full of hope!

Is being a democrat getting you down?  Did the recent lost election in MA make you want to stay under the covers so as to not face the red, red world around you?  Well, Franklin Mint understands.  That's why, as of today, this silver coin is going on sale!  Remember a year ago when democrats were sooo full of hope?  Change was on it's way!  That was of course, before a couple extra terrorist attacks, a floundering health bill, Guantanamo bay staying open, and, well, we don't need to go on, do we?   So tonight only, get this handy-dandy little coin that will help you remember the good times!  We still have 3 more years to make it happen...don't give up HOPE!

On one fateful day, Floating Tree Spirit went on a long walk away from her wigwam with her trusty wolf companion.  As the snow cascaded on her long black braids, she became lost in the world around her.  Snow quickly began to pile and the wolf trudged along next to her.  Floating Tree Spirit suddenly looked around her and didn't recognize where she was.  She set off to find home, but only became lost further.  Franklin Mint came out with this memorial plate in 2006 to honor the memory of Floating Tree Spirit.  Their fine craftsmen showed her last days, having given up, but still with her wolf beside her till the last moments.  When you look in her eyes there are the details of both sorrow, embarrassment, and acceptance.  Please consider purchasing this plate for two easy payments of $19.95 to keep her memory alive and to make you appreciate the fact that you're not lost out in the woods this winter.

Happy Birthday!

 

In Little Matilda's world, she wishes that every day is her birthday.  She is surrounded by bright floating balloons and all of her friends.  Sitting next to her is Teddy, the teddy bear and across the table is Tux the Penguin. This plate helps her remember the good times.  The times before mommy and daddy sent her off to the psychiatric ward.  The good times when she was allowed to talk for hours with her bunny, Hopster.  Now those times are no more.  As she sits in her white washed room, staring at the walls, she's no longer allowed to have any stuffed animals and when she speaks to her invisible friends, they don't have the same reaction that her good friends had before medication.  This is why Franklin Mint has come out with a special edition plate to honor Matilda's memory.  Let's make every day her birthday and drift away from reality...like Matilida would want. 

Free puppy and kitty pickup on boxing day!

Nothing says Christmas like an adorable little puppy or kitten under the Christmas tree.  It's ever so cute when it's playing in the wrapping and bows!  Oh, wait...Bad dog, don't pee there!  Oh no, he just chewed up your Zhu Zhu!  What a mistake!  That's what this service is all about!  Just call up our little Kringle-mobile and we'll pick up your impulsive puppy or kitten mistakes!  Don't worry, you're kids will have so many new toys they won't even miss it!  No need to rehome, no need to find a farm for them to live out on.  We promise to give them a life filled with surprises!  References available from M. Vick upon request.

3 Easy Payments

The one bear is you and the other bear can be whomever you want it to be! Brad, George, Fabio, that guy who comes into the Hardee's at the truck stop sometimes. What's $99 divided by 3? Who knows, but it's a small price to pay for eternal happiness in bear form. Franklin Mint will do that for you because they understand you. They know that these bears are your sweet lady H. You would lie, cheat, steal, even kill to get them. That bridal bouquet comes with interchangeable ribbons too, so...no brainer.

Naughty Nicholas

 Nicholas got all dressed up in his Christmas best and what to his wondering eyes did appear? Why  a lump of coal in his stocking, as it did every year. The embroidory on his stocking reads the name "mistake" and mommy and daddy are upstairs strung out and tanked. Nicholas dreams of gingerbread houses and holiday cheer but all to be found are stolen checks and empty cans of beer. And on this lovely Christmas morn, the 16 year old parents rue the day he was born. Oh but Nicholas will laugh last when he's older, successful and no longer around and he comes back at christmas and burns this place to the ground. Passed out from drugs, his parents will burn alive and in his new car, away Nicholas will drive. He's read all the books, he's covered his tracks, the cops will rule it an accident and Nicholas will never look back.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Dream come true time

How do you spell true love? F-a-u-x S-a-p-p-h-i-r-e H-a-r-l-e-y D-a-v-i-d-s-o-n R-i-n-g. Your refined taste and thirst for sheer elegance has lead you to this princess cut beauty; It's sure to have her in tears and proclaiming "yes, yes, YES, I'll marry you!" when your proposal question appears on the jumbo-tron at the monster truck rally. Think of how proud she'll be showing off her ring to her friends an co-workers at the Walgreen's Pharmacy and Photolab.